Non-violent Communication Distilled #3

The late Marshall Rosenberg wrote the book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life.  He is responsible for creating NVC (non-violent communication), a compassionate process of communicating using a language that is based on compassion.  Our language is limited.  Many words in it convey criticism, put-downs, judgment, comparisons, aggression.  Our world is a reflection of the language we speak.  We can help to change our world by changing the way we speak, the way in which we use our language. 

Marshall explains, in chapter 3 of this book, that we should separate our observations from our evaluations.  Our minds judge; we evaluate.  If we are conscious enough to be aware of ourselves and the effect we have on others, we can curb our evaluations of people and circumstances.  Until then, we tend to automatically evaluate and analyze.  That is the function of a busy mind distracted by chatter about things, people, places and circumstances. 

We are warned that if we express our observations with evaluation, we create strife for ourselves and others.  People will automatically distance themselves from us when we express negative evaluations.  However, we can connect with people in healthy ways when we simply express what we observe and what feelings and needs arise from that.   For example, the staff at a school meeting were very aggravated by a principal who was long winded when he shared his anecdotal stories from his life.   The meetings lost focus and the participants were upset when the principal spoke unconsciously, rambled on and on and consumed a lot of their time and energy.   When Marshall asked the staff to tell the principal what they observed, they did so by passing rude judgments.  They did not have any knowledge of being able to use their language in a constructive manner.   Some of the staff rolled their eyes and poked one another, checking their watches when their principal spoke.  Someone finally blurted out that the principal had a big mouth. That is an evaluation.

No one knew how to express themselves effectively.  They mixed observation with evaluation.   It was explained to them that they needed to just express what they observed without putting any emotions into it.  They finally were able to convey to the principal their concerns about his storytelling.  It was apparent that it had become an unconscious habit. The principal was able to receive what they had said because it was delivered to him as an observation, not as a criticism.  He had wished they had told him before it had become a problem for them. They developed effective ways to let the principal know when he slipped into his old habit.  With Marshall's guidance, they were able to use language to solve the problem in a compassionate, gentle manner.  It was a win-win solution because they learned to use their language in a totally different way, as non-violent communication.

Though this seems simple, we have practiced using our words to hurt rather than to express our observations, feelings, needs and requests in compassionate ways.  The shift to speaking with awareness is one of the most important skills one can develop to improve their lives and the lives of others. 

Non-violent Communication Distilled #2

This is the distillation of the second chapter from Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life, 3^rd Edition.  He explains that imbedded in people’s language are words that purposely induce certain behavior that influence our lives, how we think about others and ourselves and how much power we have over our own decisions and actions.  History and how people are/were governed has shaped the way we speak and, ultimately, has made us small, removing our sense of personal responsibility for how we live our lives. 

When we use phrases such as “have to” in our sentences about things we must do in our lives, it removes our choice of how we could create our lives if we had more freedom.  We say “there are things you have to do, even if you do not want to.” This implies that we have no choice and no responsibility to be who we really are.  Society controls people by such phrases.  We also learn to use language that shows comparison.  We compare people to other people and use blame and shame in order to evoke certain responses from people.  All of this falls under violent communication.  We pit people against other people to coerce them to do certain things or behave in certain ways. This instills guilt. 

Compassionate communication uses none of these ways to convey information.  It aims to create a sense of responsibility in the speaker so that he/she feels empowered about their choices and who they are.  Rosenberg shows us that speaking from our feelings and needs bypasses any tendency to overpower another using shame, blame, control, comparison, etc.  He calls debilitating language that cuts people and ourselves down, life-alienating communication. 

If you carefully listen to people’s language, you can hear moralistic judgments.  People are constantly judging themselves and others using words that blame, insult, put-down, label, criticize, compare and diagnose.  For example, if you listen to most people’s conversations, you can hear people say things like, “he’s lazy, they’re prejudiced, it’s inappropriate, they are liars and cheats, we are selfish, you are wrong.”

Someone I know believes they are being helpful by giving out information and often begins his sentences with, “Let me tell you where you are wrong…” It always feels alienating.  He does not know he pushes people away by the very words he chooses to use.  They are considered violent words.  They instill in the other person a sense of alienation as they push one away and label them with a judgment.  We often speak this way to ourselves, criticizing ourselves for what we should or should not have done.  We have learned to think and speak this way from other societal members.  This type of language perpetuates a style of living that is hierarchical.  It can be traced back to times in history where people were governed by strict government and were required to be subordinate in order to survive.  Families often use words to create subordination in order to control others.  They may use violent communication in order to chase a feeling of being powerful that they bargain for by using words to put others down. 

When we live in this kind of violent communication based world, we become deprived of knowing how we feel and what we need.   In short, we lose sight of who we are.  If we cannot compassionately express our feelings and needs and if our language does not support our inner exploration of those deeper parts of ourselves, then we live in a violent world.

Non-violent communication is a compassionate way of speaking based on communicating our feelings and needs.  It does not assert judgment or dominate another through words.  It does not alienate us from each other and ourselves.  For example, NVC teaches that instead of saying “violence is bad,” we can say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.”  Rosenberg believes that it is our natural state to be compassionate.  His teachings are his way to bring us back to this compassionate way of being.  

Non-Violent Communication Distilled #1

The late Marshall Rosenberg founded Non-Violent Communication (NVC).  The Center for Non-Violent Communication (CNVC) offers certification and classes in this compassionate style of communication. NVC should be taught to people at a very young age. Perhaps every mother can listen to audible NVC books while pregnant so that children are born with a propensity toward effective and peaceful communication. Reading or listening to any of his books many times over can help people have better lives.  It does not matter if we come to this knowledge late in life, any time is a good time to learn something that can greatly improve all of our relationships. 

I will do my best to paraphrase key points in his books.  I am starting with the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd edition.  On the cover, there are the words: empathy, collaboration, authenticity and freedom. If we dwelled on those four words, they would be a good conversation starter to have with others in order to move forward to a deeper way of living.

The purpose of NVC is to have deep, real, peaceful, meaningful connections with others and to contribute to their well being. It is about living from the heart, being generous, understanding and compassionate.  When we deeply listen to another, we are giving to them.  We give them our focused attention.  When we listen with a feeling of wanting to give and receive peacefully, our interactions with others are harmonious.

The basic four components to successful communication according to Marshall Rosenberg are observations, feelings, needs and requests.  In the first part, we observe what one is saying or doing without reacting or passing a judgement.  We simply state what we are observing in a neutral manner.  In the second part, we express how we are feeling when we observe the situation.  For example, we might feel hurt, frustrated, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.  In the third part, we state what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.  We become more self-aware when we examine our feelings and needs and whether or not those needs are being met.   

For example, a husband nearly trips on his wife's shoes that she has left in the middle of the room. Using NVC, he states to her that he has observed her shoes in the middle of the room and feels uneasy since he nearly tripped on them.  He states his need to feel confident when he walks in the common room without having to look down for possible obstacles.  He then follows this with a request and asks if she would be willing to put her shoes on the shoe rack near the front door.  The request addresses what we want from the other person that would benefit our lives.  We ask our request with the preface of whether they would be willing to comply instead of expecting them or coercing them to change.  We need to speak clearly when expressing these four components (observations, feelings, needs, requests) and be able to receive the same four pieces of information from others. 

If someone does not know NVC, we can connect with them by sensing what they are observing, feeling and needing. After we establish an understanding, we can discover what request they might have that would enrich their lives. These are the two main parts of NVC: We communicate using these four components honestly and we receive by listening empathically.  We express ourselves using this four step non-violent communication and we learn to receive these four pieces of information from others by getting in touch with our ability to sense what is really going on within another.  In order to become proficient in NVC, it is necessary to listen deeply to another and to receive what they say with words or silence.  Instead of reacting to their words or actions that might seem harsh (like a jackal), we "put on our gentle listening ears" (like a giraffe) and feel into what is really being expressed.  Note, this is not a formula, it is a process that can be spoken or felt in silence, it can be adapted to various situations and cultural differences.