Non-violent Communication Distilled #3

The late Marshall Rosenberg wrote the book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life.  He is responsible for creating NVC (non-violent communication), a compassionate process of communicating using a language that is based on compassion.  Our language is limited.  Many words in it convey criticism, put-downs, judgment, comparisons, aggression.  Our world is a reflection of the language we speak.  We can help to change our world by changing the way we speak, the way in which we use our language. 

Marshall explains, in chapter 3 of this book, that we should separate our observations from our evaluations.  Our minds judge; we evaluate.  If we are conscious enough to be aware of ourselves and the effect we have on others, we can curb our evaluations of people and circumstances.  Until then, we tend to automatically evaluate and analyze.  That is the function of a busy mind distracted by chatter about things, people, places and circumstances. 

We are warned that if we express our observations with evaluation, we create strife for ourselves and others.  People will automatically distance themselves from us when we express negative evaluations.  However, we can connect with people in healthy ways when we simply express what we observe and what feelings and needs arise from that.   For example, the staff at a school meeting were very aggravated by a principal who was long winded when he shared his anecdotal stories from his life.   The meetings lost focus and the participants were upset when the principal spoke unconsciously, rambled on and on and consumed a lot of their time and energy.   When Marshall asked the staff to tell the principal what they observed, they did so by passing rude judgments.  They did not have any knowledge of being able to use their language in a constructive manner.   Some of the staff rolled their eyes and poked one another, checking their watches when their principal spoke.  Someone finally blurted out that the principal had a big mouth. That is an evaluation.

No one knew how to express themselves effectively.  They mixed observation with evaluation.   It was explained to them that they needed to just express what they observed without putting any emotions into it.  They finally were able to convey to the principal their concerns about his storytelling.  It was apparent that it had become an unconscious habit. The principal was able to receive what they had said because it was delivered to him as an observation, not as a criticism.  He had wished they had told him before it had become a problem for them. They developed effective ways to let the principal know when he slipped into his old habit.  With Marshall's guidance, they were able to use language to solve the problem in a compassionate, gentle manner.  It was a win-win solution because they learned to use their language in a totally different way, as non-violent communication.

Though this seems simple, we have practiced using our words to hurt rather than to express our observations, feelings, needs and requests in compassionate ways.  The shift to speaking with awareness is one of the most important skills one can develop to improve their lives and the lives of others.