The late Marshall Rosenberg founded Non-Violent Communication (NVC). The Center for Non-Violent Communication (CNVC) offers certification and classes in this compassionate style of communication. NVC should be taught to people at a very young age. Perhaps every mother can listen to audible NVC books while pregnant so that children are born with a propensity toward effective and peaceful communication. Reading or listening to any of his books many times over can help people have better lives. It does not matter if we come to this knowledge late in life, any time is a good time to learn something that can greatly improve all of our relationships.
I will do my best to paraphrase key points in his books. I am starting with the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd edition. On the cover, there are the words: empathy, collaboration, authenticity and freedom. If we dwelled on those four words, they would be a good conversation starter to have with others in order to move forward to a deeper way of living.
The purpose of NVC is to have deep, real, peaceful, meaningful connections with others and to contribute to their well being. It is about living from the heart, being generous, understanding and compassionate. When we deeply listen to another, we are giving to them. We give them our focused attention. When we listen with a feeling of wanting to give and receive peacefully, our interactions with others are harmonious.
The basic four components to successful communication according to Marshall Rosenberg are observations, feelings, needs and requests. In the first part, we observe what one is saying or doing without reacting or passing a judgement. We simply state what we are observing in a neutral manner. In the second part, we express how we are feeling when we observe the situation. For example, we might feel hurt, frustrated, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc. In the third part, we state what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. We become more self-aware when we examine our feelings and needs and whether or not those needs are being met.
For example, a husband nearly trips on his wife's shoes that she has left in the middle of the room. Using NVC, he states to her that he has observed her shoes in the middle of the room and feels uneasy since he nearly tripped on them. He states his need to feel confident when he walks in the common room without having to look down for possible obstacles. He then follows this with a request and asks if she would be willing to put her shoes on the shoe rack near the front door. The request addresses what we want from the other person that would benefit our lives. We ask our request with the preface of whether they would be willing to comply instead of expecting them or coercing them to change. We need to speak clearly when expressing these four components (observations, feelings, needs, requests) and be able to receive the same four pieces of information from others.
If someone does not know NVC, we can connect with them by sensing what they are observing, feeling and needing. After we establish an understanding, we can discover what request they might have that would enrich their lives. These are the two main parts of NVC: We communicate using these four components honestly and we receive by listening empathically. We express ourselves using this four step non-violent communication and we learn to receive these four pieces of information from others by getting in touch with our ability to sense what is really going on within another. In order to become proficient in NVC, it is necessary to listen deeply to another and to receive what they say with words or silence. Instead of reacting to their words or actions that might seem harsh (like a jackal), we "put on our gentle listening ears" (like a giraffe) and feel into what is really being expressed. Note, this is not a formula, it is a process that can be spoken or felt in silence, it can be adapted to various situations and cultural differences.
Very nice Lara.
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